Some things are better left unsaid.

Divine Heartstrings

This month, time spent mostly with love and also my lovely, most wonderful mother. Glad that it wasn't like last month or any other time where I would neglect her and careless about her. II apologize for my wrong doings and that I've neglected her before. Now, I am trying my best to change. To be a better daughter and sister at the same time too. She gave me life, nourishment, protection and a home. She cared for me and helped me grow. The breakfast in bed that you love to give was my most favourite. How can I ever repay all that. Nothing in this world can replace her care and concern. How angry you are at me at times, you still forgive me and forget about it. I love you, ma.

The same shit kept messing in my head today. tangling here and there into a big knot. Imagine this, you just got word on the phone, about some drama over your gramp. None of us could rush to the hospital, trying to get his last words in. Then all of a sudden when you get the phone call, he's already gone like the wind. Now picture this, on the same day your gramp past away, you were not in your best mood. because you got to stay put at home for a few weeks. It was during the fucking lame shit SARS season. You couldn't visit him even once in the hospital. All you could do was stay home and be safe knowing your gramp is suffering with a machine taking control of his body, mind and soul. You would never forget that night. The night where he laid on the floor. His body was stiffen cold. Tears kept rolling and rolling. Kissed his forehead before you could kiss him ever again. Cremated and he's far gone into a world we can never know till we die. Well that happened to me once, few years ago. That day, I lost a grandad. My most precious grandad ever. He'll always be in my heart. Gramma kept mentioning about him yesterday. Eversince he left us, gramma and I aren't close. We were never close to be precise. That saddens, really. I don't know what can bring us closer. :'(

Listen this is a random one. Have you ever been in a position, where you're sitting, wishing things would just get better. Have you ever slit your wrist over how bullshit your life is in while writing a suicide letter. Because you're ready to end it all while trying to maintain strong, its so hard to hold on, when the pain remain's the same. Asking oneself maybe these are the problems that twirling in some's mind. Sharing it to the ones you trust most like a sudden rush of a buzz thats relieves the stress of one's chest. A disease of the mind, trying to keep at ease, at all times. Oh, Problems.

Where do all of our problems come from? From inside ourselves. From within our hearts. From the external presence of those we have chosen to love or have chosen to love us. What makes us form these entanglements? Why do we choose to love those we love? Why do those who love us choose to love us? Why cannot I get from my mind his smile, his laugh, his smell and his sense? These were never problems. They're just wonderful. Perhaps too good to be true. But this is the road fate has chosen for me. This is the path laid before me. So why do I not choose to fight it? Why do I meekly follow that which is laid before me? Because this is what it call love. But fight it, I do not. Resist it, I do not. I willingly travel this road. I pray the stars to guide his path and mine. As we gather beneath the roof of our existence, I pray that the roof not fall in nor we below it ever fall out. Oh Problems.

Oh well, this is life. Life without problems is nothing but pure plain and not worth living for. Cheer up to those with problems here and there and everywhere. Smile people. Just smile because a smile can make a black day seems to be white again. ;)

Labels: miss you tok.

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